he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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