I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
