I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
