why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
