All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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