worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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