Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
