I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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