I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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