would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
