I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
