His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
