I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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