you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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