Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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