i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
