Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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