Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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