She said her name was "party"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
