i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
