walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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