so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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