Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
And then he peed in my hair
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