just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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