I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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