I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
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Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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