I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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