In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
