A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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