seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
