I can text with my tongue
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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