this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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