Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
