Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
