I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
