You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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