Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
