So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
