Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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