3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
