I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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