My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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