when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
