True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
