is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
