I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
