BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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