Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize