Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
