someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
