when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
