So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My liver just had a heart attack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
