My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
