you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
