I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
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not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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