Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
