tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
